“Lord if you had been here…

“A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha. This is the Mary who later poured the expensive perfume on the Lord’s feet and wiped them with her hair. Her brother, Lazarus, was sick. So the two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, “Lord, your dear friend is very sick.” John 11:1-4

Let’s set the stage here. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus know Jesus. Not only do they know Him, He is known as a friend to them. Someone they have watched provide miracles and healing to countless people. They know Him to be who He says He is. The son of God, the great healer. This request to send for Jesus to come heal Lazarus was a no brainer. They were certain, they would send for Jesus, He would show up, Lazarus would be healed. Right?

How many times have we found ourselves praying prayers we knew without a shout of a doubt that Jesus would answer with a big bold yes! Only to sit in the silence and confusion of what appears to be a no? It is one of the hardest places to sit with the Lord in. Still to this day, I will never understand why certain prayers get answered with a no. Surely he wants this relationship redeemed and reconciled. This job will allow us to live debt free and to bless those around us, why wouldn’t this be where he is calling us? My marriage is crumbling and we both want it healed but man it’s so hard right now, surely if we ask for it to be fixed, He will right? Or the hardest one for me, “the ultrasound wasn’t working, Lord when she tries again, please let there be a heartbeat.”

When the silence of no sinks in, it’s deafening. Loneliness rushes in as if Jesus has forgotten me. To hear a no in those moments feels as though evil has won and Jesus missed this one. We’re left questioning how in the world can this be good? I know God to be a good and loving God, and this does not feel good. This does not feel loving. This feels like my prayer fell on deaf ears and returned void. 

“But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days. (Vs 4-6)

Don’t miss this part because it provides us with such a comforting insight. First part I don’t want us to miss, “Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus”. Second part to note and I want to sit with this for a minute, Jesus stayed where he was. These two points are so very important and comforting all in one. 

John does not want it lost that Jesus loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus. Although highlights that the decision to go would have made sense and the fact that Jesus isn’t going would cause confusion. Jesus loved them with a love that made everyone question why He would wait. While He loved them, His plan was far greater than anyone could imagine. The situation everyone else had anticipated was for Jesus to come and heal Lazarus while he was still living. That would have been good. That would have been Holy. That would have made sense. That still would have been a miracle. They did not anticipate a funeral and mourning. They did not anticipate death. Why? Because Jesus loved them. Surely, He would come for Mary, Martha and Lazarus. 

Jesus did not come for them. This is the one that I want us to sit with. Mary and Martha sent for Jesus. They called for Him and they were met with silence and absence. There is a loneliness that sinks in when we reach out for help and are met with silence. Those calls and text that get met with “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” as a response to asking for help. A loneliness that comes with navigating something so heavy and those who surround us aren’t stepping up to help or to comfort. Even in those moments we take comfort in knowing that regardless of how others show up or lack showing up, we always have Jesus to fall back onto. But what about when we then turn to calling for Jesus for our comfort and to heal the brokenness we’re sitting with, only to hear silence? In that silence, we’re often met with that same confusion. “Although He loves…” It provides us with that reassurance that he does love us and knows that this silence does not make sense. 

There have been times in my life when I have called for Jesus to come and provide healing and life, and He stayed where He was. He did not show up like I had hoped He would. My sweet friend, if you are currently in a season where you have called for Jesus and He did not show up, I am so sorry for the ache and the pain that you are sitting with right now. If no one else has given you permission, this is your permission to not only acknowledge but to also weep and grieve that when you called out for Jesus, He did not come. Yet. While we know how the rest of the story for Lazarus ends, we can not speed past the part that Mary and Martha experienced disappointment, anger, confusion and grief in a moment of Jesus not showing up. We can not speed past it because Jesus does not speed past it, which we will see later on in the text. Remember, Jesus loved Mary, Martha and Lazarus. 

“Finally, he said to his disciples, “Let’s go back to Judea.”

But his disciples objected. “Rabbi,” they said, “only a few days ago the people in Judea were trying to stone you. Are you going there again?” Jesus replied, “There are twelve hours of daylight every day. During the day people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world. But at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light.” Then he said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up.” 

The disciples said, “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will soon get better!” They thought Jesus meant Lazarus was simply sleeping, but Jesus meant Lazarus had died. So he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead. And for your sakes, I’m glad I wasn’t there, for now you will really believe. Come, let’s go see him.” Vs 7-15

In this, everyone is confused. Mary and Martha have sent for Jesus, and He’s not showing up and they watch their brother slowly die. They have no knowledge that Jesus has said their brother’s story won’t end in death. All they see is that they’ve sent for Jesus and He hasn’t returned to them. 

At the same time Jesus, hears of Lazarus’ sickness and his disciples are also confused as to why Jesus isn’t returning. They know Lazarus to be a dear friend of His. They are concerned for Lazarus and encourage Him to return and He tells them that Lazarus life won’t end in death, but follows it up with Lazarus has died. This situation has everyone scratching their heads, unsure of what Jesus is up to, but they know He has promised that what He is doing will lead them to believe.

“Thomas, nicknamed the Twin,said to his fellow disciples, “Let’s go, too—and die with Jesus.”

When Jesus arrived at Bethany, he was told that Lazarus had already been in his grave for four days. Bethany was only a few miles down the road from Jerusalem, and many of the people had come to console Martha and Mary in their loss. When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed in the house.” vs 16-20

Lazarus has died, he’s been in his grave for four days. This was more than sleeping. They have begun mourning Lazarus and as Jesus enters, Martha goes to meet him. Mary stays planted where she is. Jesus was called and He didn’t come, so she’s not going to go meet Him. She’s angry, she’s hurting, she’s grieving, and the man who could have prevented this, chose not to. 

“Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.” Then she returned to Mary. She called Mary aside from the mourners and told her, “The Teacher is here and wants to see you.” So Mary immediately went to him.” Vs 21-29

Martha, oh sweet Martha, she hears what Jesus has told her, but she does not fully understand His plan. While she is comforted knowing she will see Lazarus again and that Jesus is still good even in Lazarus’ death, she fully believes that Jesus means Lazarus will live in Heaven. Her faith is deeply grounded in Jesus being good and Jesus holding to his word, that she has immense peace about her brother’s passing. Could I be a Martha? If my story ends with Jesus’ promise not being  earth-side, would that be enough of a promise for me to remain in my belief that Jesus is still good? 

“Jesus had stayed outside the village, at the place where Martha met him. When the people who were at the house consoling Mary saw her leave so hastily, they assumed she was going to Lazarus’s grave to weep. So they followed her there. When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled.  “Where have you put him?” he asked them. They told him, “Lord, come and see.” Then Jesus wept.” Vs. 30-35

This is where Jesus does not speed past Mary and Martha’s hurting. He could have gone straight to the tomb. He could have met their “Jesus if you had been here my brother would not have died” response with, lets go and see him live right now. Jesus takes the time to slow down, to hear Mary in her sorrow and He ministers to her by being present and also weeping with her. Remember John’s comment “Although Jesus loved Mary, Martha and Lazarus…”, in His love for them, He makes time and space for their sorrow and their weep. And in their sorrow and weeping, Jesus feels that same sorrow and pain. Jesus knows the plan. He knows the miracle is ahead. He knows that Lazarus shortly will walk out and greet them, but Jesus allows them the space to be angry with Him. 

I’ve wrestled with this same emptiness. I’ve given the Lord plenty of earfuls of my disapproval. My anger. My hurt. My loneliness. My sadness. My sorrow. My grieving. All in which I placed blame on Him for. Feeling very much like Mary when Lazarus died. “Lord if you’d been here-“ If he’d just let me keep that one relationship. That one aspect of ministry. That one item. Then those feelings wouldn’t hurt nearly as bad. 

He has the power to fix my loneliness. He has the power to heal broken relationships. He has the power to step into situations we feel are no brainers that surely he will fix this, surely he will redeem this or restore that. This request I have asked for is a holy one, surely He will show up in this. I know Him to be a good God who has promised big bold promises. Promises like “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 and “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 I know I love God and I know I’ve been called according to his purpose, so why doesn’t this feel like he’s working this specific situation out for good? 

What do we do when this plan doesn’t feel good? This loneliness and ache does not feel like a future and hope will come from this. When those moments sink in and we’re left wondering, why isn’t Jesus coming, what do we do? Perhaps we simply do as Martha does and tell Him “If you had been here…” and then wait for Him to tell us His plan for making this good, all while having faith that if He says it will be good, then it will be good, even if it’s not in the right here right now. Or perhaps we respond as Mary does. We fall to His feet and tell Him “If you had been here…” and then allow Him to weep with us, comforting us, and then leave space for Him to work, being willing to follow His lead when He tells us to roll the stone away. 

Let’s keep reading: 

“The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?” Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.”

Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” vs 36-40

The crowds knew of Jesus’ miracles. This crowd isn’t simply made up of bystanders who are watching passively. They too are doubting and questioning this man named Jesus. They’ve seen or heard of His miracles before and now, if he’s not going to save Lazarus, then why would He possibly save me? 

Just like those in our lives. When we wrestle with darkness, when we are navigating a season of hardship, you better believe that those around us are taking note of how Jesus does or does not show up for us. Jesus knows this. You see, our testimonies are not simply our own personal journey to the foot of the throne, but the declaration to nonbelievers exactly why they should follow Jesus. Our testimonies reflect the glory of God and all of his splendor. It’s important that we steward our trials and hardships not only well, but with boldness of vulnerability so that when, not if, but when Jesus does call our Lazarus to live, He gets the glory. 

“So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.” Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in grave clothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!” vs 41-44

Jesus does something important here that we can easily look past as we’re eager to get to the miracle of Lazarus being called out of the tomb. Jesus is intentional to pray his prayer out loud and to make it known that it’s only by God’s authority that He calls Lazarus out of the tomb. God is the one to get the glory. Lazarus lives to testify of Jesus’ miracle in his life. Mary and Martha get to rejoice and breathe a sigh of relief and welcome their brother home. The crowds see proof of these miracles that they’ve always heard of and are now seeing right in front of them. They get to go on and tell of this great miracle. A miracle that started out not making sense and in the end, God gets the glory. 

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. “ Philippians 1:6 We have hope in knowing that He will bring His good work to completion. We also have the reassurance that between the good work starting and the good work coming to completion, we have the freedom to weep at Jesus’ feet when the work He’s doing doesn’t feel good. We know that because He loves us, He hears our plea for Him to come, He weeps with us when He waits and He will allow us to rejoice and soak up the benefit of the miracles He’s working out for our good and for God’s glory. 

Radical Love

There’s this new trend going around on social media of “this is the year I stop pouring into those who will never pour back”. For the longest time I soaked that up. I lived it. I had spent so much of my life faithfully serving and pouring into others, only to find myself lonely with no one pouring back into me. So when this trend came along it felt liberating and freeing. What it truly ended up doing was isolating me and hardening my heart. 

Like everything in life there is nuance to relationships and it’s never that black and white. There absolutely is space and reasoning for stepping away from relationships that are unhealthily one sided and the Bible outlines unhealthy relationships to steer away from. 

But we also see the Bible more often than not encouraging us to pour into the lowly. To mutually submit. To think of others with greater love than we love ourselves. If our goal is to be like Jesus, can we truly live a life of not loving those who don’t love us back? 

Jesus while I was still sinning (not pouring back into Jesus) died for me, saving me of my sin. Loving me with the greatest love I’ll ever receive. And let’s be honest, we will never be able to love Jesus and pour into Jesus with the same love he pours into us. 

We actually see throughout scripture commanding us to do the complete opposite. 

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”

1 John 3:16-18 

““If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”

Luke 6:32-36 

How different would our life look if Jesus simply stopped loving me and stopped showing up for me because I was a sinner? We wouldn’t ever have the gospel! We wouldn’t ever know him! 

Oh how my heart grieves the thought of Jesus living a life of “I won’t pour into people who don’t pour into me”. Yet I rejoice that we are loved by a God who even in the knowledge of his upcoming torture and death, as the result of betrayal by his close friends, still washed feet. Still died for them. Still redeemed them. Still provided a way for them to join Him in eternity.  

Jesus lived a radical life. A life that many scoffed at. Even the religious. Loving those who persecute you, loving those who don’t love back, that’s radical. In today’s world we call it naive and self sabotaging.  We also love to put clinical phrases on it to make it sound holy when we “fix the problem”. The world wraps it up as codependency, trauma bonding or simply pathetic and desperate. (Again- there are relationships that need holy intervention to redeem true trauma bonding, codependency and insecurity. But those are a different conversation for a different time). When we slap specific terms  onto generic situations, we risk believing unholy solutions are healthy. If it’s not Holy it’s not healthy. 

The goal of the world is self. Love yourself. Protect yourself. Serve yourself. While Jesus comes in with radial love. Love that did not serve Him in the flesh. A love that got Him mocked. Persecuted. Ran out of His own home town. Betrayed by his closest friends. Love that even his own disciples could not comprehend and doubted. A love that even lead to Him having God turn away from

Him. Why? For me. For my sin. Because he loves with a radical love. The outcome? Holy eternity with Him. Forever being loved by Him.   Perfect unity. He would rather risk it all to have me, than to serve himself. That’s radical love. That’s the love we’re called to receive AND called to turn around and give in return. Knowing that if we don’t receive the same radical love in return, we’re covered by His radical love. 

My sweet friend, I urge you to not buy into the worlds pretty wrapped up “wisdom” to stop pouring into those who don’t pour back. That’s simply not the way of Jesus. I know it can be lonely pouring into others to be left without the return. In that loneliness- run. Run towards Jesus and His radical love. Don’t run from others. Run towards the one whose radical love never runs out. We know that His love for you also includes Him working in you and for the good of those who love Him. It is good to have relationships that mutually love and serve. It is good to be in community. He will provide that. You just gotta stay close to His chest while Hes working out the good for you. 

Two years- ministry broke us, but the congregation healed us

Two years. It’s been two years since my husband walked through the door with an NDA in hand. One that I was held to for us to receive the next three months of income, yet I was not given the ability to read let alone sign. 

Decisions had been made and we had no voice in it. The next three months? Well, we were unable to communicate any truth as to why we were abruptly gone. Yesterday? We were surrounded by our flock, pouring our souls out at the alter. Praying over families as they wept from endless trials. Today? “We resigned and the church wishes the best for us on what God is calling us to next.” Everyone saw through the disconnect between the two days. Yet, if we wanted to keep food on the table and bills paid. We were silenced. 

We watched as our silence hurt our flock. Those previously close to us, who could trust us, were now being turned back to wolves in sheep skin to answer their confusion. We were placed between feeding our family or caring for the flock we had been anointed to care for. 

Two years ago as we wept for what God was removing from us, we had no clue we were stepping into a refining season. We would spend the next two years with him pruning us, refining us, continuing to sanctifying us. Because what he had ahead of us was FAR greater of a calling than we could’ve ever imagined. One we would have NEVER been willing to step into if we had remained where we were. One we needed equipped for and couldn’t be equipped where we had been. 

The pruning hurt. The refining burned. The sanctifying- well that required pressing into the Lord. 

Today? Church leadership broke us. Ministry became an idol that we had to surrender. But the healing? That came from the body, from the congregation. 

Tacos & Rum or Pizza & Wine?

“I’m coming over, do you want tacos or pizza? Rum & coke or wine?” Hits a lot more powerfully than “I’m praying for you let me know if you need anything”. Now before you take off with the self righteous “prayer is the most powerful!” and “drinking isn’t a healthy coping mechanism”! Yes- I agree prayer is powerful and no- drinking shouldn’t be our go to coping mechanism. But that’s not the point. 

In the season when we had two miscarriages in less than a year, I was shocked that my comfort and support didn’t come from the church. It didn’t even come from our closest family members who we know love and follow Jesus. Rather it was from the baby christians who very much knew the gospel and that Jesus saves, yet still had a lifetime of sanctification ahead of them. The one’s who still very much relied on the world’s way of doing things to live most of their life. So when we found ourselves facing death for the second time- we weren’t met with our seasoned christian family showing up. We were met with love and presence from those who had lived life in the trenches themselves and knew what got them through walking the shadows of death. 

We can’t be surprised when those facing hardships and walking the shadows of death, end up walking away from the church. Why wouldn’t they? When hardships come knocking, and we haven’t taught them how to practically lament. When hardships for our brothers and sisters in Christ come knocking and we haven’t taught them how to walk with them during the hardships. Yet, those who are of the world face hardships all the time and have been taught how to be present and comfort? Our nature is to gravitate to what feels good.  It doesn’t feel good to be pitied and have empty texts sent placing the responsibility of action on the one who’s drowning. It doesn’t feel good to be met with the empty promise to pray over you, yet can’t be bothered to stop in that moment and pray. It feels good to have someone press in and go “I see you, I’m going to be with you, I won’t try to fix it, but you won’t be alone.”

Welcome- I’m so glad you’re here. I’m not sure how you stumbled in. I don’t know what you may be facing, but what I do know, is life is beautifully messy and chaotic. Even more so when you’re married to the one who walks alongside a church full of mess and chaos and you- well, who loves on the pastors wife amongst that mess and chaos?